Hey Guys hope you are all keeping safe. I think it's finally time I talk about what it has been like to have a baby during the pandemic. Every parent will have their own version of this story and how it has affected them but I am going to give you my version.
In the lead up to Crumpet (babys nickname) arriving, we were still doing all the things people usually do when they are prepping for a newborn. Nesting and keeping the house tidy (as best we could with a toddler and a 12 week old puppy) washing tiny clothes and always unpacking and repacking the hospital bag just in case. I had been having Braxton hicks for a few days before I went into labour and so we were making the most of our allowed outdoor exercise to get me walking and that baby moving. I was in some ways very lucky when it came to going into hospital. As it was so early in the lockdown, Milton Keynes hospital were still allowing partners to be with you on the labour ward and in the hospital if they didn't have any symptoms. Any mumma who was on their own waiting for the father to arrive in such a tense and terrifying situation are true super heroes and I take my hat off to every one of you!. Also to the dads that were sitting at home waiting for the call wondering and hoping they would arrive in time to see their baby come into the world. For anyone that isn't aware of the situation, at the moment and in most hospitals across the UK the fathers are not allowed to attend things like general appointments for scans and check ups and they are also not allowed into the labour ward until mums are further along in their labour. Once ladies are dilated a certain number of CM, the fathers or birthing partners are then allowed to be called to come to the hospital. Usually women are allowed 2 birthing partners if they want to and they would be with you from the moment you are admitted to the labour ward until the moment you go home. It is my understanding that the fathers are only being allowed to stay with their babies for 3 hours after they have been born before they have to go home. 90 minutes a day visiting if mum or baby requires stay after birth. I can't imagine not having Charli with me throughout my labour. It is such a draining experience not only physically but emotionally and to have that pressure added on of being on your own is so scary to me. Labour is also so unpredictable and although I understand why the measures have been put in place, that won't make you feel any better when you are in that situation and trying to get through it.
A lot if the things I talk about in this blog wont have much of a conclusion because nothing changes the fact that women need to have their babies and if that was in a pandemic or not, it is life changing and always going to be mentally and physically challenging. There are a lot of things that will not seem all that important when you look at the bigger picture of what is going on in the world around us but to get some things out there and try and help other parents realise they have other people feeling the same, they might feel a little less guilty about missing the little things.
Leo was born on 26/03/20. Just three days into our national lockdown. Now earlier on I said we were lucky in some ways because Charli was able to be with me through my labour but that couldn't have prepared us for the journey we went on afterwards. Without getting into too much detail, (I am considering a blog talking about our experience but not sure I'm quite ready yet) Leo had some quite serious complications that meant just a few hours after he was born he had to be transferred to John Radcliffe hospital in oxford. It was terrifying right from the start and only got worse when they told us only one of us could go and be with him. The decision seemed easy to make at the time because I was planning to breastfeed and so I would be the one to go. Honestly this was scary as hell but to add to it, I knew I wouldn't be able to take Hetty with me. Guide dogs are allowed in hospitals but she would have found the situation very stressful and it wouldn't have been fair on her. I of course took my cane but honestly I didn't even have time to think about how hard it might be for me getting about. The next step to tackle was getting there because of Covid restrictions I was not allowed to travel in the ambulance with Leo. We had already had to 'break the rules' of the lockdown because my sister looked after Lyra when I went in to have him. So we did what we needed to do and Charlis Dad drove us 40 miles to meet Leo at the other end. Charli came to see me and Leo safely into the hospital and then had to leave us both. It was honestly devastating. Again I don't feel like this is the right time to talk about Leos complications in detail but at this point he was on a ventilator and things were touch and go.Usually when Babies are in NICU and
will be staying for a period of time, Scaboo accommodation is available for the parents so they can be very close by in the hospital. Of course Covid meant this wasn't an option. Milton Keynes hospital were able to transfer me as a patient so I could stay on the Maternity ward in oxford but they could only guarantee me a one night stay. After that it was down to the staff at JR to decide if they had the space to keep me because ultimately if someone else needed my bed, I would have had to go home. I had to pack up my stuff every morning just in case. I did get lucky and was able to stay for 4 nights until Leo was stable enough to be moved back to Milton Keynes NNU.
When Leo went back to MK he was 4 days old and I still hadn't held him. I feel selfish even now saying that because Charli had to wait a lot longer than I did. Babies that were requiring oxygen were not allowed out of their incubators at John Radcliffe. This was a precaution put in place at the time because of the virus and the unknown risks. I assumed it would be the same in MK but their rules were a little different so ventilated babies were not allowed to come out but babies on a CPAP (smaller oxygen support) were allowed. This meant two things; firstly I was able to hold my boy for the first time (complications meant I didn't even have him placed on me after he was first born so this was the most wonderful feeling) and secondly I was able to start breastfeeding him properly rather than expressing and Leo being tube fed. This was a super important step on the road to being discharged. Charli could have visited at this point as he was back in MK however we had a lot of things to consider. I needed to be there as often as I could to feed him but we also had to think about the impact on Lyra. We decided it would be best for her to keep Charli as a constant and for me to be at the hospital. This meant he didn't get to hold Leo until He came home at 8 days old.
Leo is doing amazingly well and we have had him home since 03/04/20 which was actually his due date! Since then we have had both the most amazing and super difficult time. Now there isn't enough time to talk about having two kids but if you're having number two, good luck, it crazy hahaha. When you bring your baby home it is so exciting, you cant wait to show them off and for everyone to give them a cuddle. Of course that couldn't be the case and after such a rough start it made things even more difficult to come to terms with. We made the decision that we wouldn't announce Leos birth until we were able to take him home and introduce him to his big sister. His story was very complicated and because we really didn't know how he was going to progress and we wanted to be confident he would be okay when explaining things to people.. The closest family and friends knew but I'm glad we waited to tell everyone else. Pairing those two things meant that in a lot of ways I really felt like we didn't celebrate his birth enough. When you have a baby, you want to show them off and shout about them as loud as you can. We couldn't do that and it made me feel incredibly
guilty that we had such a song and dance when Lyra came home from hospital being flooded with visitors, gifts and cards. On the flip side, the weeks we spent in lockdown really gave us the time we needed to learn how to function as a new family of 4. Charli is self employed and so usually wouldn't get a paternity leave. I WAS SO THANKFUL because he got to spend Leos' first 3 months at home with him and honestly that is something we never would have imagined could happen. It was wonderful to have all that time together. It can be very overwhelming with people being in and out the house all the time to see your newborn when truthfully all you want to do is try and get some rest and maybe even wash your hair! It's not how we planned to do things but we absolutely made the best of the situation and we felt like the strongest team afterwards.
I feel like this is stupid but I am super sad that we don't have many cards for Leo. When we had Lyra we got so many congratulations cards and I know its not something that is important but I kept all of those for Lyra to see when she is older and although we have a few which I am very grateful for, I am kid of gutted for Leo that it wont be the same for him.
So Leo is now 4 months old and he is still waiting to be cuddled by grandparents who are on the high risk list. I am 4 months down the line after going through something very traumatic and still not been able to cuddle those closest to me. Although this isn't something I can feel any better about, a hug is something so overlooked. Just that comfort and physical support is something I miss so much. My older sister was the first person I hugged as restrictions eased. As close as me and Rach are, we are NOT the soppy kind hahah. We both balled our eyes out, and I am so pleased I was finally able to do it. I am so so excited for Leo to be able to meet more people, for them to see his cheeky smile and hold his tiny hands. Telling people they cant cuddle their Grandson, nephew, Great Grandson is so tough. Telling them they can, but them not being able to take that risk is even worse. You know how much they want to, and for it to be such a difficult decision breaks my heart. Safety is at the front of everyones mind and I am so glad and grateful that our family have Leo and his safety at the front of their minds. i cannot wait for this to be over.
There is so much I could say about things we feel like we have missed out on but Leo has his whole life ahead of him for all kinds of wonderful memories. At the end of the day we are all safe and happy. We have really made the most of our time just the 4 of us to bond and enjoy family time. There are things I would have loved to be different. That makes me feel even more guilty, I keep thinking about what more we could have done for Leo to make things different. When he looks back at his newborn memories, he wont have the same things Lyra has. We will be sure to teach him why and make sure he knows how loved he is. I still want to show him off every day, being a mumma makes me so proud and I want everyone to know. Things are changing now and so he is seeing more and more people even if he can't cuddle them. He is becoming a real character and I am so excited for people to see that. To everyone waiting for a cuddle, I can assure you that he will be worth the wait. He has had a few months practice now and he is ready to see you all.
Just to say again, a massive congratulations and well done to any parents that have been brought a baby into this pandemic and an even bigger welcome to all you tiny, squishy, beautiful babies. You are so loved bambinos and lets face it, you all have a pretty cool story to tell in a few years, I for one cant wait to hear them all.
H x